letting · go · but · still · holding · back....

im sitting here with a cold and honestly nothing much better to do. I thought itd be a good time to write. wow so much has happened and my views on things have changed so much i dont know where to begin. Ive relized that theres not much i have control over. really. i have control over myself, my actions, my words but other than that nothing else. i have no control over what people may say to me or do to me. Its scarey. I allowed myself to open up to someone recently and got shut out. it was hard on me b/c its hard for me to let people in since i was with someone a little while ago. There was alot of emotional things to get through for me with having closure from that relationship. I am truley ready to erase the past and focus on the present. I can say that in confidence and thats a big deal for me. No more holding my past experience against new people. I know what i want and where im headed and i wish i had someone to share the journey with. Im ready to meet someone nice and enjoy it. No more games, no more wondering how they feel or how i feel. i want to open myself up to someone to get close and only hope they open up to me to. THE PROBLEM is it seems like everyone i meet has emotional baggage, they are still scarred and hurt from a past experience and they hold it against me. Hey i didnt break your heart, i didnt hurt you at all, i just met you and its not fair to me that she did you wrong, im not her im me, thats all id like to say to someone. If you hold a grudge against someone who hurt you then YOU will just hurt every nice person who comes within your past. I dont want to do that and im well past ready to meet someone whos open to getting to know me and getting close to me. where are you? do u exist? or will i meet you in 5,10, or twenty years from now. Wherever you are and who ever you may be im ready to meet you. im ready to fall head over heels for you in love. please come find me?

thanks

im not sure how i feel about anything right now.im so frustrated and so unsure of the present and the future. i think too much too often. i over think. everythings so unreal right now. a friend of mine got married last weekend, it was beautiful, it made me think. it made me think about how i will never get to that stage not b/c i could never meet someone and fall in love but because i wont allow myself to. i have all these built up emotions inside of me. so much anger and pain still left. i think why did i begin something? i know how this will start, i know how this will end. it will end in me hurt. im tired of being hurt its not fair. im so mad at myself. ive made myself this way. and i dont like the way that i am. im broken and need fixing and i dont know who or how to make that happen. i wish God could revile things a little sooner or make things for obvious....im an idiot.

i feel like i have been decieved by alot of people i love/loved. and dissapointed way too many times to count. this month my eyes have been opended to so many things in life. God is Good and will heal my heart and take hurt away. psalms 34:18. but its still hard to grasp. if u can tell i care about u please dont hurt me. be honest with me. dont drag me along. id rather be left quickly then stick around to be heart broken. but sometimes i think i break my own heart by allowing people in and situations to occur...it needs to stop.

i felt kind of blank today, today was eventful but i still didnt feel well. i had a bad day at work. i think its called a nervous breakdown. i felt rushed all week i was so busy. i like the money but i dont like feeling like my insides are jumping around in my chest. but it ended well at work. everything that went wrong got worked out and things are better. i just have SO MUCH i wanna do and improve on and it seems overwhelming at times...i am working on getting a new car, build more clientel so i can afford it, figure people out ( which im sure will never happen) build self estemme, learn self control, get my shit together for work finance wise ( taxes are do next month). Just get it together and keep it that way! the best thing i have done is delete people out of my life were negative and bringing me down! God has given me alot of oppurtunities and i am going to use them to the fullest and appreciate them and not take advantage of them....here i go ! wish me luck....

i think i have really only had one friend my entire life. (besides my sister). I got to see her tonight. i didnt get to really talk to her though. itd been 3 years since i saw her last. it didnt work out for us to hangout/talk tonight.it just brought back alot of good and bad memories so i left. she was really the only one there for me through anything major. she listened and understood or if she didnt understand she always tried to. what i remember most was her being there for my sister surgery and never leaving. the scariest and worst event to take place in my life so far. i will never forget that.....i dont miss much about highschool but i do miss her and our friendship....im not sure what happened but i guess things happen for reasons but sometimes im not sure why they really do.

i just read a very old journal from last year. i sit here and i read everything and it makes me want to cry. i was so sad. i was so empty and i felt so bad about myself. it also makes me mad to sit here and read all of whats below because i shouldnt have felt like that. i am a beautiful person with alot to offer. i just havent found anyone to offer it to that wants to take it.....i do however understand why i felt the way i did in all these entries below. i was so depressed. my career was going nowhere and i felt alone. i felt like all my work and talent God had given me was wasted i couldnt find anywhere to use my creativity. i am very blessed to be so successful right now. i feel guilty counting out my money and relizing how much i make bc for SOME REASON i feel like i dont deserve it and that it will be all taken away. I was at the car dealer ship and they wanted to know my income and when i told them they said wow u must be really good...i said well i dont know...they said no u are good if u make this much money and your so young. Im so down on myself i cant ever be proud of myself and say just a simple thank you. i just dont want to get to excited b/c i am afraid to lose it. My work is all i have it i lose it i will have nothing. and it scares me to death that waking up and doing hair and making money is all i have to look forward to. not a week full of plans with REAL friends....just the people that occupie my time. NOT a date with someone who looks at me and heart flutters b/c i know i dont make anyones heart flutter.......its just sad that i wake up and go to sleep feeling so lonely. well its off to bed again and another morning of creating and using the gift Gods given me to bring some happiness into my life. its sounds stupid but if i didnt do hair i dont know what id do.

i think about you all the time.

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when your blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

im so tired of pretending that its ok and that im fine. I feel like shit i feel like there is always someone to compete against and someone to always compete for. Sometimes i feel like if i was really skinney and really blonde than life would be better b/c that seems to be all u need to get somewhere. Maybe i am just meeting all the guys who like that sort of thing. Maybe i am being stupid but its how i feel. i feel like i cant even introduce my friends to people i am dating b/c they will like eachother or like them more than me....i need some work in the self confidence department.....i dont know why i am feeling like this today maybe its b/c i am REALLY REALLY tired.......i need a nap

i dont know whats going on in my head...a lot of things. I am really confused...ive had fun latley but when it gets to me sitting right here and typing the fun isnt what pops into my head....its missing something i thought i was getting and a little bit of what i had...and not knowing when and if i will get that again. I know whats said but i dont know what to make of it..."i'll be fine, you'll be fine...is this fine...im not fine."